Manic Plover

Dream Girl

UNUSUALLY WARY plover^[1]. Common feature of parks and meadows^[5]. Runs rapidly^[7]. Has lovely aerial display with much calling. Liquid plaintive "kleep^[4]" whistle is diagnostic, uttered by singles or flocks. Very tame wader of high mountains and breeding areas. Collects scraps of yarn^[3] and upcycled materials^[2] for nest making. Prefers low-lying regions with ample stoops^[6] for resting.

Little Ringlit

Piper

AN ALOOF and dignified influencer of sublime beauty^[8]. Despite regal appearance, can exhibit a streak of silliness^[9] and profound loyalty^[10]. Luxurious status coat^[11] is not just for show, but also serves as protection from the harsh climate^[12]. Beneath the glamorous exterior is a powerful and toned core^[13] built for a long night's hunt^[14].

Common PM

DOMESTICATED DESCENDANT of its ZIRP era predecesors^[15], occurring in a wide variety of forms^[16] throughout the burroughs. Extended breeding season, nesting through winter as a result of abundant food supply in apps^[17]. White collar and white wing panels. Often seen flocking in huge numbers in autumn and winter. Can be extremely tame or very weary, depending on treatment^[18]. Flight is swift and direct with hesitant approach when landing in tree. Formerly common in office towers^[19], in the pre-pandemic era.

Hoodied

Depop Snipe

SIZE 0^[20] makes them the most agile of the urban scavengers, able to dash in and out of L Train Vintage^[21] in pursuit of trends. Overaccessorizes^[22] as part of display. Detached demeanor^[23], but can be aggressive when approached. Noncommittal^[24].

Rough-Legged

Alpha Top

BROAD WINGS, jutting pecs and huge bill create exceptionally dominant appearance^[25]. A fierce predator, taking younger birds during breeding season^[27] and an imposing scavenger^[26] at other times. Deepest throat of all gays.

XL

Hypebeast

RARER ISLAND inhabitant often reflecting reliable "666^[32]" configuration (6 figures, 6-pack, 6'+, cursed). Combination of freshly purchased outfits^[28] and peacocking along the neck and wrist make this breed highly visible. Selective taste^[29] and elevated status^[30] make them resistant to predation but severely limits habitat and out-of-group socialization^[31].

Lanternfly

Spotted

BAR HOPPER^[33] that has spread invasively. Feeds on vapes, stone fruit juices^[34], and espresso martinis. Lifecycle centered on trending reels. Are annoyingly beautiful^[35] but a threat to their ecosystem, causing extensive damage to native flora^[36]. The waste excreted through their shrieking mouthparts^[37] are harmful to the health of their weekend hookups.

Graying Tall-Tailed Hawk

INCREASINGLY RARE species with shrinking habitat^[38]. Natural environment—including dive bars and DIY venues^[39]—preserved by stabilized rent and loyal patronage. Identifiable by fading ink marks across chest^[42], well-worn knit layers, and patchwork of signifiers^[40] affixed to back jacket panel. Peter Pan syndrome^[41] affliction can make longer-term mating rituals a challenge for the species.

Flat White

Chordata

FRIENDLY AND JOVIAL. Typically seen outdoors^[43]; wakes up early; enjoys fresh "brekkie^[45]" of "flat whites^[44]" and "avo" toast. Highly migratory^[46]. Extremely social, spending time in large groups but still need to differentiate among individuals^[49] (mates, young, leaders, rivals). Attractive, soft^[47], and powerfully effective mating call^[48] easily seduces natives.

Red Grouser

SMALL AND STOCKILY built with short tail, neck and bill, and comparatively long-winded^[50]. Grazes in salt flats but ends up shallow^[51]. Less agile than other species. Deep "uh uh uh actually^[54]" call. Erect posture. Diet consists mostly of grass and craft beer^[52]. Flirts with others through debate^[53], but is otherwise a shy species^[55].

Consider the

Cockroach

"IT IS FIENDISH, infantile; it takes as much pleasure in acts of destruction as it does in creation. Gradually, under this harsh fluorescent glare, this creature emerges, in varying degrees of hideousness^[57]. Obsessed with sex: what they dream of doing, what they have done and how they wheedled and lied and flattered and consoled in order to do it^[56]. Destined to be the last surviving in the bestiary of male selfishness."

Apex Trader

A GO-TO for fleeting rooftop nights and stimming conversation^[58]. Easy to attract if not already being circled as prey, this newest money^[59] is a hybrid form of the Tech and Finance bros^[60], with an exponential valuation but limited acumen. Has a single-variable personality, where the logarithm to being based^[61] is the inverse of emotion. Let them spend it on you^[62] while they've got it.

Lesser White-Tipped Local

COMMON AROUND watering holes^[63]. Nearby habitat is marked by four Red Stripes. Sponging-sucking mouthparts. Robust body. Profoundly thirsty. Flirting can become a nuisance^[64]. Becomes more aggressive after dusk.

Exes

Ominous

THE ORIGINAL German term, Rattenkönig, was calqued^[65] into English as rat king^[66], and into French as roi des rats. Zoologists remain skeptical of existence. Regarded by some as mythical, others present the creature as a mental, hypothetical construct, perhaps as the accumulation of many exes over time^[67], forever bound by the imagination and living in the present through drunk texts, and extremely rare run-ins. The ubiquity of algorithmic social media^[68] creates an environment in which the animal can thrive. If each independent rat represents an individual timeline, does the tail connect these timelines in a multiverse^[69]?